From “That Thing Down There”
The Middlebury Campus, March 15, 2012
We’ve all witnessed the celebration of wagging schlongs that is the Pranksters’ annual library streak. For the unlucky (or, more appropriately, very lucky) First-Years and others who have not had the opportunity to witness said event, let me summarize in the briefest of terms. You will be seated by yourself in an upstairs carrel having logged onto Facebook for the twentieth time just to indulge yourself in some innocent stalking of Marisa Dinge: your trashy former camp friend, who studies forensic criminology at Palm Beach State and whose pictures depict a life full of bronzed-to-orange meatheads and poker tournaments — her profile is a veritable soap opera as dramatic as any on daytime television, full of first-person confessionals in the form of statuses, an amateurish slideshow set to R&B every time a friend of hers dies in a motorcycle accident (I’m sorry, it’s happened several times now, and your sympathy is starting to wane) and photos upon photos of a clearly self-conscious boyfriend whom she has forced to dress up as Natalie Portman in Black Swan for Halloween.
Anyway, you will be doing that and just then you will hear a shriek and some giggles as 20 skinny boys waggle their goodies in your face and some slightly plumper but wholly admirable girls trip enthusiastically behind them. I am not jealous of these Pranksters but recognize the courage required to participate and am pleased for the opportunity to appreciate a pair of boobies that are not my own once in a while.
But is this brush with raciness not enough for you? Did you come to Midd seeking liberated boys and girls who view their own sexuality as commodities that they are ready to exploit? Or, rather, who view their bodies as temples that others might worship? I thought I was happy here, but now Jyoti Daniere is gone (along with her risqué programming) and I’ve forgotten how to have an orgasm! So, here are some recommendations of Unis to which you and I might transfer due to annual events that celebrate debauchery and its technicalities:
Allegheny College – SexFest
This newly adopted tradition has caused one Ron Meyer of conservative news site, CNS News to huff about, shouting to the internet ether: “Here at Allegheny College, feminist groups are treating sexual intercourse like a party.” Well, yeah! If that’s wrong, Ronnie, I don’t know that I want to be right! The event is advertised as featuring “Games! Food! Condoms!” — a trio that I am fully behind — and is devoted to ensuring its attendees are informed about sexual health. So, wait … it’s not a party?
Brown University – SexPowerGod
This notorious event held every autumn is thrown by the Brown Queer Alliance. For only $20 you can attend the fête that has been featured on Bill O’Reilly’s radio show, The Radio Factor, when O’Reilly remarked of SexPowerGod, “You would have been safer in Baghdad than on the campus of Brown University.” Now, I might characterize that statement as verging on hyperbolic, but the party does feature a projector screen that publically relays messages from attendees that typically feature comments on costumes and propositions for sex! And I know a girl who was there and she was nakey.
Sarah Lawrence College – SleazeBall
This aptly named dance refers to a springtime dance that serves as the culmination of Sleaze Week. The week’s programming encourages open discussions about sexuality and sexual identity, and has featured classes and workshops such as “Sex: Its Not So Serious,” “Sexual Etiquette Class,” “BDSM/SEX Toys Workshop” and the Sleaze Cabaret. A.k.a. making public what I think about privately all day and all night.
Yale University – Sex Week
This is not really a party at all (sorry to disappoint), but a week of intensive programming, featuring a diversity of speakers from sex therapists to clergy to porn stars. The website describes it as “an interdisciplinary sex education program designed to pique students’ interest through creative interactive, and exciting programming,” and features debates, seminars, concerts and film screenings, among other events. This isn’t actually funny but awesome and frankly what you’re reading right now is real envy spouting out of the tips of my fingers and if I had a time machine I’d do better in high school and go to Yale and help out.
No, of course I wouldn’t! But maybe let’s start one of these here? Plz? I’ll come back from adult life and help out? Let me know.